emo Tuesday

“Am I real… am I true…. am I borrowed… am I blue…”
Sara MacLean began…
There was a soft thud
I could barely hear it
Took the headset off and listened carefully
It took me awhile to realize it could be the door and that someone was outside
I got out of bed and slowly opened the door…perhaps it was from the other room I thought
But a pretty girl was standing in front of me…yes outside the room I am at
She kindly asked if my friend was around and I told her that she was still in class…
She also asked if the other room mates were still staying in this room and I recalled from what I knew that they went home to their towns…the pretty girl nodded, smiled and thanked me before she left…

I got back to bed and returned to my crossed leg position facing the computer. I was making a report for a project evaluation where I am part of the evaluating team to assess the program implemented in one of the islands in Cebu…

That was when I realized it was almost 7:00 o’clock in the evening…early for a night I know
But not really a short time since I woke up at 5:00 o’clock in the afternoon for me to start up making the draft report that I should have been doing for the last couple of hours…

What happened then?
I was just staring at the city… 7 floors up in my friend’s room, an apartment overlooking the town center of Banilad…I did not realize it until I started to write this memoir that the daylight is all gone now and that it has already been replaced by the flickering city lights…
Did I just stare out of the window for the last two hours now?

Yes…

Surprisingly, in the midst of what I am aware is some highly urbanized area…
I found peace
Ironically, I say that because some people would opt for a quiet place very close to nature, perhaps at a beach, scenery of natural wonders to be exact and yet here I am remotely close to that
Still…I felt peace
I have been staring at the city lights for quite some time now with a headset attached to the computer listening to the music in my friend’s music library
Wow… I realized how much I wanted to feel just this way at this very moment

I don’t even recall what I was thinking in those two hours. I just felt I had to be doing that...look outside…
I think my theory on releasing negative energies is really true. I personally believe that when you have all these negative energies in you, you can divert it by staring at something that can totally absorb it and get it out from you. Staring at this urbanized city, I know my negative energies have been drawn outside of me. The busy city needs it…it needs quite a huge amount of energy whether positive or negative… =)
Deep inside I am longing for something…
I am not sure what it is now but I hope I can in one of these days figure it out…
Approaching a crossroad again…
I thought I just did a few months ago before I left the office I worked for almost 4 years now…
Yet I still feel something is missing inside of me…and I long to search for it…

I want to try getting outside of my comfort zone…I thought I was able to make it after my resignation 4 months ago but I got caught in another project so I again I placed the thought of the envisioned conquest I had at the back of my head…

I am more inclined to working now on a project like what I have come to Cebu now…something that won’t hold me inside the four corners of the office from this time until another time and then go home, wake up to another day and go to the same place, stare at your computer, work on something until the end of the day and basically do the same thing over and over again.
Now? I have been interviewing project management officers for a program implemented in Bantayan. The relationship I have with my boss transpires in the digital world. I get my instructions by checking my phone and my email and yet I find it so amusing and relatively satisfactory.

I have been telling myself I deserve a break but the last time I uttered those four months ago, I barely even felt the next four months happened because of all the pressure and anxiety with the last project I was working for. Not because the program was not good. Hell it was even ideal. Something of my field of interest- governance…policy making…capacitating LGUs and building partnerships as well as strengthening the same…I don’t know or maybe I do know what knocked me down working for it...it’s just that I can’t even believe up to know I declared I can’t deal with it anymore…I know they say one must stand up to a fight when all of these challenges beset you but I think in this situation, I would opt for that line in the coward of the county song that goes…”Sometimes you don’t have to fight to be a man”

So…
Where does these all lead me?
I don’t know
But I’ll keep on praying that one day, this path I will choose will lead me to what I am have been searching for…
I end this brief emo memoir by sharing one of the beautiful quotes I like…we must always remember that,
“On our way to finding our goals and dreams and by trying to fulfill them, there is a thing called LIFE in between that we must we must also try to live”

Have a blessed day!